Mending A Broken Heart

I know, I know. I've been MIA for nearly two weeks! My worried family members have sent out search parties. Police dogs have scoured my neighborhood. My horrendous license photo has been plastered on every (soy)milk carton in the San Fernando Valley!

No need to worry. I've finally pressured myself to come out of hiding. I wish I could say I've been off traveling the world with Anne Hathaway's hot brother, Michael. But it's just not true. I've basically just been really busy with life stuff (ugh, life. Who needs it?).

A new roommate has moved in (bringing her cute - and obese - cat named Cosmopolitan), I've made great strides with my first feature screenplay (box office bomb?), and I've been putting out wildfires all over the place.

One of my dearest/gayest friend has been going through a gayxestential crisis (I like to throw the word 'gay' anywhere possible and call it witty writing. So?). Anyways, he just separated from his short-lived love-fest of '08 and is going through the oh-so-attractive self-loathing phase. We've all been there. Incidentally, when he and a love interest split ways, he just pretends they die. Therefore, the self-loathing phase is actually a 'mourning' phase.... may he rest.

I've compiled the top 5 necessities needed to get anyone through a broken heart:

5: Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream. May I suggest a pint and not a gallon? Just because a man has emotionally back-slapped you, does not mean your thighs should pay the consequences.

4: The Devil Wears Prada. The only way not to be a bitch to your ex-lover, is to watch a bunch of bitches being bitches to each other. (Could I have used the word 'bitch' more?)

3: Barricade Yourself. Nobody going through a break-up wants to run into happy, peppy people roaming the streets (unless you're running into them with your car). Stay inside. Shut the shades. Disappear.

2: Buy LOTS of cats. That's right, I said it. LOTS OF THEM! You'll need the company (see number 3). Plus, you can name them all hot boy names so when anyone calls, you can say "Oh, I can't go out tonight, Brad needs me."

1: FRIENDS! Lord knows you can't live without them. They're always there for you and will never disappoint. Not to mention, it's almost guaranteed Chandler will make you laugh.

Now don't fret. You have the guide to recognizing your depression. In no time, you'll be better than new and out of that dreaded mourning phase.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I must attend my friend's ex-boyfriend's wake...