Monday, July 28, 2008

Ur So Gay

A song hitting the airwaves has been giving me a red rump lately. Before moving forth, I advise you listen to the following video. Take in the lyrics. Soak them in. Let them flood over you like a vodka tonic. (While you do that, I'm gonna actually go pour myself a vodka tonic...).

Now that you've watched it, let's talk about it. I'm not sure if I'm offended or amused. At first glimpse, I was slightly peeved because this hetero chick deemed herself credible enough to pin-point characteristics she considered gay. Unless she's actually Mannie the Tranny, where does she come off stereotyping the gays? On top of that, she uses the term "gay" as if it's an insult for her "boyfriend". Ordinarily, my sudden knee-jerk liberal reaction would be instantly insulted.

However, that being said, I must confess that the more I listen to the song (catchy tune aside), the more it cracks me up. Not because it's particularly funny, but because the lyrics actually relate to me! Mannie the Tranny got it right (for me). Yes, I love H&M. I listen to Mozart and classical music. I hate Los Angeles with a passion and sporadically read Hemingway. I, too, am a vegetarian who aspires to own a hybrid. And I listen to indie rock and never go a day without applying my SPF 45. Should I really go on...?

Do I apologize for any of this? No. Am I ashamed of what I like? Not in the slightest. But I wouldn't say any of the aforementioned interests are "gay" (BTW, whatever happened to the classic 'musical theatre' references and 'fashion' stereotypes? ... which I incidentally enjoy as well). I know tons of straighties who are vaginatarians and bitch about LA. This song isn't as much a "homophobic stereotype" as it is a ridiculous generalization.

However, when it all comes down to it (based solely on her lyrics), I will admit that I identify with Katy Perry's "gay" boyfriend. Hey, maybe I am Katy Perry's "gay" boyfriend.... After all, I AM gay...

... but I do like boys.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

My REAL Friends

Los Angeles. The land of the perpetual celebrity encounter. I figured moving to the heart of the entertainment industry, I would get my inevitable fair share of star sightings. Celebs flock to every restaurant, grocery store, and clothing boutique throughout the city. Apparently my church is no exception (even multi-millionaire actors need prayer). Just this past year I've seen Vanessa Williams, Martin Short, the hot guy from Love Actually, and the Governor himself. However, nothing on Earth could prepare me for my current encounter.

Let's start from the very beginning. After work, I was invited to dinner at one of West Hollywood's most happening gay Mexican Cafes (because there are so many of them...). Beforehand, I thought I'd get in the MexiCAN mood with not one, not two, but three margaritas. Anyways, as we got down to fajita business, guess who I spot... Monica Gellar herself (Courtney Cox Arquette!). I let it slide at first (I'm not a person who interrupts people at dinner or cocktail hour). However, I couldn't let this opportunity whither and die.

Thanks to margarita number four, I calmly approached her only to discover that David Arquette had joined her. I didn't want to be fan-boy, so I simply apologized for interrupting their evening, acknowledged that I loved their work (hello! Friends AND Scream!), and they both graciously shook my hand.

This may all seem mediocre (at best) since we all can agree that they're just people. However, I'm not sure you understand how die-hard a Friends fan I am. I know the episodes forwards and backwards and can quote the show on a whim. Courtney Cox made my night. Now I just have five more Friends to go...

X Courtney Cox
Matthew Perry
Lisa Kudrow
David Schwimmer
Jennifer Anniston
Matt LeBlanc

Monday, July 14, 2008

Blast from the Past: Part 2

Having lived in Los Angeles for nearly a year, I've become quite
observant with the "breed" of men we have out here. Granted, I haven't had an "inside look" with any specific guy (I'm a lady!). I have, however, noticed that the "genuine nice guy" isn't really easy to cum by these days. Especially when you live in this material world, where most gays are material girls...

Our planet is continually changing, causing habitats to be altered and modified. Natural changes tend to occur at a gradual pace, usually causing only a slight impact on individual species. However, when changes occur at a fast pace, there is little or no time for individual species to react and adjust to new circumstances – thus creating the endangered species. The brightest conservationists in the world have striven to stop the endangerment of an array of species – the bald eagle, the panther, and just recently in the ‘lovely’ city of Los Angeles…..the ‘nice guy’. Is this rare breed just a distant desire for the few singletons out there? Or are we just left to wonder what just exactly Bonnie Tyler was singing about…..just where have all the good guys gone?

Granted, living in the epicenter of
Los Angeles, you are bound to run into the dominate creature. I invite you on an intense animal hunt with me. Let’s observe, shall we???

First off, the conceited-trendy boy. Look how his metro-sexualness enhances his outer-shell. No longer can we see his natural personality, but rather, a completely new character is exhibited. His blue-colored contacts are blinding. His recently spray-on-tan is fierce. But most of all, beware of his cockiness - a trait many people at this university have - this feature allows him to make many feel inferior. (PROTECTION: Don’t look directly at them. Hopefully, this will deteriorate their confidence and kill them!)

Next, the skater-boi. Let’s watch as this dreadful breed skateboards through the crowds while attempting to balance correctly and hold onto his pants. Like the conceited-trendy boy, his confidence is unshaken and nothing on earth can break him ----- never mind, as we see, skater-boi is down and has just fallen off his skateboard. (PROTECTION: Laugh and point whenever they fall!)
Lastly, the bad-ass. This breed is severely dangerous. Nothing on earth can frighten them. Watch as he slouches on the bench, relaxing under the scorching sun, as a glistening light reflects off his designer sun-glasses. It’s summer, and not even the horrendous heat of a leather jacket and a blazed-cigarette can harm this man. He’s fearless and will, most definitely, frighten small children. (PROTECTION: Do NOTHING! Hopefully, the sun itself will kill him.)

Seriously though, as we see here, and around the city on a daily basis, there are very few nice-guys out there. Is it possible to find someone who is genuinely nice? Or, rather, are we just looking for a needle in a gay-stack? In either case, I’m going to remain optimistic. And for those who believe that they are, in fact, a nice person – well, we’ll just have to create our own herd and, with hopeful change in the future, adjust to new circumstances.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Jennifer Fucking Hudson

Favorite. Diva. Ever. I'm hooked on her new song and I'm convinced she's here to stay. I was weary her presence would last passed her debut performance. However, with her vocals from Sex and the City: The Movie and the aforementioned single, she has ALL the goods.

Girl can SING! How Fantasia beat J. Hud on American Idol, I'll never know...

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Death Sees a Therapist

Is it me, or do people jump the gun and resort to therapy too quickly nowadays? Seriously! Since when has psychiatry been the hot new trend? I feel as though the "head-doctor" goes hand-in-hand with skinny jeans and Cosmo martinis (mmm, Cosmopolitans). I admit, I've been tempted to make a few appointments myself. I'm incidentally always in my head... What? You have a problem with that?!

Any-ways, I opt to adjust naturally and use self-remedies to calm my mental nerves. Think about it... Every day, we immerse ourselves in 'at-home activities' that alleviate any stress we have bubbling up within our lives. Whether it be writing in a journal (blog?), washing the dishes, vacuuming, meditation, etc., we seem to cure any mental strain ourselves. No leather couches. No invasive questions. No therapist.

In all actuality, it's probably just the "private things" we do behind closed doors that really calm us down. And no, I'm not talkin' masturbation (Which, albeit, helps a little). I'm talking about the things we do when nobody's watchin'.

For example:
- I take lengthy, steamy showers while listening to Josh Groban.
- I light aroma-therapy candles and "clean up" my eyebrows (manscape if you will).
- I moisturize, while watching TV on DVD (currently The Office).

I'm tellin' you, it works. Anyways, I just can't wrap my head around this new craze. Perhaps everyone needs to find their own ways to mentally adjust. Personally, my friends can talk circles around any shrink. However, that being said, who am I to decide what's best for anyone else. If a therapist is in the stars for you... godspeed. Me? I'll stick to my own self-remedies. I mean, who needs professional help when you've got Steve Carrell?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Where in the World is Matt Lauer? Seriously.

Pile on the mash potatoes and give me a double serving of mac & cheese, Matt Lauer is one hot Oldie McHottie. Starchy hot.

Don't forget the cornbread.