Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Steal My Heart

Don't tell Diablo. I have another girl crush. I don't know what's wrong with me these days! But I've been hypnotized by her sixties-style voice.

Someone dry off my seat.

Her name is NICOLE ATKINS.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

This Blows

Through the wake of all my car problems, it seemed only fitting to encounter yet another one. On the way home last night, through the heavy rain pour, I attempted to protect my blog-writing, Diablo-loving life by racing through the storm as quickly as possible.

...fine. Okay, I admit, American Idol was just about to start.

Anyways, talk about a case of karmic retribution! The tire of my putrid-smelling car rental blew on the 405 freeway. Immediately, I resorted to my Bo Duke driving skills. *don't slam on the brakes. don't slam on the brakes.*

Then, I was fortunate enough to pull off the freeway and into a run-down gas station. However, the damn gass attendants brushed me off when I asked for tire-changin' help! I was a stranded bastard somewhere between a dark alley and The Crip's hang out. I scanned the lot for any approachable Samaritans, and spotted mini-Bill Gates in a silver Mercedes. As I moved forth, he and I exchanged glances. I'm pretty sure he feared me. Yes, all 125 pounds of me. Thankfully, another kind sir intervened and assisted in my tire-change. After an hour of dodging bullets and avoiding muggings, I was on my way home (finally!).

Now, after surviving my near-death experience, I get to drive around in Jethro's run-down station wagon with a nasty-ass spare tire.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Heath Ledger (1979 - 2008)

In Memory of Heath Ledger (1979 - 2008)
Who created one of the best characters ever shown on screen.


ENNIS, back inside now, notices that ALMA JR. has left her sweater hanging over her chair.

He picks it up, hurries back to the door, opens it.
Sees she's long gone.

Folds the sweater.  Goes to a little closet, opens the door.  He places ALMA JR.'s sweater on the top shelf of the closet.

And there, on the back of the closet door, WE SEE THE SHIRTS, on a wire hangar suspended from a nail, and next to them, a postcard of Brokeback Mountain, tacked onto the door.

He has taken his shirt from inside of JACK'S and has carefully tucked JACK'S shirt down inside his own.

He snaps the top button of one of the shirts.

Looks at the ensemble through a few swinging tears.

Jack, I swear...

Stands there for a moment.

Then closes the closet door.

He looks out the window, at the great bleakness of the vast northern plains...


A Morning Quickie

Only three things in this Ambien-tastic world is important enough to get my apathetic-ass out of bed at 5:30 in the frickin' morning. One: a 7a.m. departure to the Caribbeans. Two: James Marsden. And three: the Oscar Nominations telecast. That's right! At the wee hours, I braved the morning dew (sans coffee) and caught a glimpse of who the Academy deemed special enough to nominate.

Instead of yet another recap of the nominations, all of which can be found at The Film Experience, I thought I'd just give a BIG shout-out to the little film that did. Holy ish! I was très excited with all the nominations Juno scored. I admit, upon announcing Jason Reitman's name for Best Director, I almost had an accident. Yeah, that early, I'm really at my most unattractive. However, I couldn't be more thrilled.

Okay lads and ladies, it's time for mommy's caffeine.

P.S. Technically, this isn't a post about DC - a Diablog if you will. It's really about the nominations.

Seriously, not a single mention of my hetero lover.

Fine, I'll put another dollar in the Diablo jar.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

The Apple of my Eye

During my weekly mall excursion, I thought it pertinent to stop on by the Apple shop to see what neat, little gizmos they had in store (literally). I consider it mandatory to keep up to date with today's current technology. And when I say "keep up to date", I really mean "check my email on one of their sample computers and fiddle around with an iPhone (as if I were fortunate enough to afford one)". Oh, don't lie, ya'll do the same thing. Anyways, as I stood amongst the Apple savvy customers, I totally noticed one thing - the employees.

I'm not sure if you've ever noticed, but a good fraction of the Apple employees are oddly attractive! Yes, I admit, there are those unfortunate few that look like Dustin Diamond and Sloth Fratelli's love child - ah, I love The Goonies. However, when you really take a gander at the select few, you'll actually notice that we have some nerdalicious hotties on our hands. You know, the type of guys who sport (and rock) the 5 o'clock shadows and All-Star converses. The ones who've been seriously lifting those 15 pound dumbbells, which totally shows underneath those lime green Apple t-shirts. It's no wonder why they hire a couple dozen employees. It's a completely strategic sales technique used to push those products.

Fuck it. I'm gonna fake a break on my MacBook and head back to the mall. This time, I'll add a little cologne.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Diablo Cody Rewind

Before you ridicule me for my constant DC obsession, let me just preface this post by reminding ya'll that the picture is merely a carry-over. My friend, Lawrence, sent it to me solely to remind me how much of a doof-ass I was. Anyways, I feel inclined to break the picture down. It's such a clear display of what the day consisted of.

1) If you look passed the blursula, it appears as though the sheer disdain from waiting in line has soaked in. Not true. It was just a photo op to pitch the camera. However, I must admit that the anticipation made my stomach curl. Felt as though I downed a fist-full of laxatives and washed it down with prune juice. Classy. I know.

2) As I waited patiently, I eavesdropped to the kind sir in front of me. He brought his A-game! He made mad convo about the Wizard of Gore. Ku-dos man, you have decent taste in slasher movies. If I was better prepared, I'd have presented her with a bottle of Snow Peak Peach flavored Boones.

3) Being the vain, narcisischick I am (not really), I asked Larz if my hair looked okay. I'm not kidding, my hair has the tendency to friz on overcast days. I'm talking Diana Ross....with a perm....being electrocuted.

4) Kindly, the sweet girl behind me said I "looked good". However, the more I examine this picture, the more I'm convinced she's looking disgustedly at my hair.

5) Oh, my heterosexual lover. Apparently, before Lawrence took the picture, she said, "Don't let me flash the camera too much. Wait a sec, let me stack them on the glass." Then, in Diablo Cody fashion, she puts her ladies on the counter top. That a girl!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Food For Thought

How freakin' cute is Director Bryan Singer??? I wanna deep-fry him and slather him with grape jelly.

Just a little somethin' on my mind.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Fashion Road Kill

With fashion week less than a month away, I thought it essential to write about the fabric we have draped on our backs. Okay, maybe not the fabric we own. Well, unless Dolce and Gabbana is thinking about incorporating synthetic fibers into their line. Can you imagine? Target couture meets Ross 'Dress for Less' chic. Anyways, what better way to capture the real essence of high-end fashion than to examine and dissect the lovely looks of the upcoming Sex and the City movie. Even if one single item of Carrie Bradshaw's wardrobe costs a month's rent.
Let the runway show begin...

1) Can we take a moment and just stare, transfixed, at Cynthia Nixon's dress. I'm thinking costume designer, the Patricia Field, was simply doing her part to help the environment. By using solar panels instead of fabric, she's reducing costs from the studio's electricity bill. Wow, quite the environmentalist that Patricia. As far as Carrie Bradshaw's outfit is concerned, I'm only focused on one thing. Or rather, attempting to avoid focus on one thing - that vomit-inducing monstrosity she has strangled around her neck. Seriously?

2) Love this! It's very new-age Get Smart meets X-Tina Aguilera (post skank). Any reason to wear knee-high, stiletto boots without requiring a bed-side deposit beforehand, and I'm on board. 3) I'm a big fan of this dress. The color's gorgeous. She looks amazing. But I can't help but wonder...did someone forget the starch? 4) Is it me, or does Carrie's flower keep growing?! Attack of the killer accessory!! I mean, it's as big as her head! Let's tone down the mutant blossom broaches, and spend more time focusing on the fierce footwear.

5) Charlotte, love the purse. Tell me, how many characters were slaughtered off Sesame Street just so you have a bag to carry your gajunk in? Honestly, though, the foursome actually look pretty cute here. Their shoes are all uh-mazing. Especially Carrie's. What's up with her skirt though? Exactly how much helium does she have packed away up there? Any moment, I feel like she's just gonna take off.

P.S. I can't imagine Patricia Field using fo-fur. I wonder what kind of paint-throwing, scene-raising, blood-splattering plans PETA has up their hemp sleeves. Can't wait to find out :)

6) Speaking of a flying Carrie Bradshaw, I'm quite taken by her chicken jacket. I'm being serious! Ooh, I'm totally in the mood for Popeyes for lunch. 7) Yet another example proving that Patricia Field is going green this year. The only thing I can't wrap my head around...what the hell kind of shiz can you fit in that Eiffel Tower purse? I'm thinking it's purely aesthetic. 8) This is casual Carrie. Cute, huh? Even if it does look as though she stepped knee-deep in grout. *Side Note* Notice how she's wearing the same shoes in every single photo. That's so unlike you Carrie! Although, it's quite economical. What's next? The same outfit worn twice in one month! That's blasphemy!

9) I saved the best for last. To quote my heterosexual lover: "Honest to blog", this wedding dress is fan-freakin'-tabulous. It makes all of Vera Wang's prior work look like prom dresses. However, how obvious is Patricia Field's feather fetish? Talk about a hard-on for poultry apparel. Eh, it's all breezy. That obsession is easily forgivable. Corduroy. Now that's unforgivable.

All in all, I am ecstatic for this movie. I'm a devout follower of the series, and I'm almost certain I'll love the film. Hell, the ensemble's ensembles are reason enough to spend the $12.50. Remain unconvinced? Think of it this way. By seeing this movie, you'll be supporting Patricia's five point plan to ending global warming. Simply by dressing hot.

Now, to leave you with my number 10. The Sex and the City movie teaser. For those who've been abstaining from the sex and haven't seen it yet.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

A Diablo Cody Weekend

This weekend, I was on serious Diablo Cody overload.  It wasn't by any means a bad thing, but quite unexpected.  For those who've been completely out of the know, Diablo Cody is the screenwriter of Juno (my #1 movie of the year). Now, before I get involved with the heady details of my Diablo-filled Saturday, can we take a narcissistic moment and look at this picture.  Look at how happy I am!  As a result, my wide-tooth grin caused the hideous and unfortunate double chin.  I thought, in order for both of us to get in the shot, we needed to squeeze closer together. Apparently, that meant hiding any indication of a neck.  Well, I'm glad she looks good.  P.S. "Diablo-Filled Saturday" sounded way dirtier than actually intended.

Back to the story.  So Saturday morning, I was elated when I discovered that a nearly nekkid Keira Knightley graced the cover of Entertainment Weekly.  Those high spirits turned to sheer exhilaration when I saw Ms. Cody wrote her third (count 'em, THIRD) EW column.  A few weeks ago, when I learned she was becoming a 
columnist regular, I wrote to Entertainment Weekly expressing my gratitude.  Apparently, they 
were just as grateful.  They posted my comment!  Please don't misconstrue my excitement with conceit.  I, by no means, think myself high and mighty because my blurb was posted in this issue.  A monkey could get in...no offense to monkeys.

Anyways, that afternoon, she was doing a Q&A at a local book shop.  I was determined to meet my alleged heterosexual lover (as previously stated), so I attended with intentions of being my calm and collected self.  That shit flew out the window. 
It started with a question.  I simply asked her, with all the attention and acclaim she's receiving, how does she fend off the criticism that's inevitably brought up because of her past as a stripper.  She answered eloquently,  "Basically, with a memoir that chronicles my life as a stripper, I basically have to deal with that kind of attention.  However, I don't want my past to dictate my future."

Later, apparently I didn't think one question was enough.  I 
wanted to ask another.  She immediately called me out on it.  Even in high school, I was always the question whore.  This time, I asked what she preferred writing (blogs, screenplays, novels, editorial, etc.)  Sadly, she's not much the blog girl anymore.  Who can blame her?  She's Hollywood's 'It Girl' - a term she despises.

Waiting in line, I was conjuring up small-talk that didn't seem too fan-girl.  The best I could come up with was, "Uh, hi.  Not too much pressure, but this picture is going on my blog".  She responded, "Let's do it.  Just don't let me flash the camera too much".  I told her I wasn't Perez Hilton, so she needn't worry.  Then, to top off my night, I blurted out, "Thanks for coming".  As if I invited her.  I was mortified.  Fortunately, she was thankful I came too. :)

All in all, Diablo Cody is just as cool, just as vivacious, just as charming as I assumed she would be.  Every ounce of success she's encountered is well deserved, and I'm imagining the success will continue well beyond Juno.  In the meantime, I'm hoping she stays true to herself, continues to write what she wants to write, and remains the witty blogger I've grown so accustomed to.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna hop in the shower.  Maybe it'll wash away the stagnant embarrassment.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

My Top Ten ('08)

So every blog corner I turn, there's a Top 10 list staring me dead in the face. Envious? You could say that. In any case, I thought I'd jot down my Top 10 so, down the road, when I'm recapping my life 9 months from now, I'll know what I thought of the year in movies. P.S. Not sure why I chose to write 9 months specifically. Maybe I'm unknowingly preggers.

And without further ado...

10) There Will Be Blood - If I ever met Daniel Day Lewis on the street, I'd most likely pee my pants. He was c-r-e-e-p-y in this movie. This freaky flick left me speechless. Literally, I had no words. Except for maybe, "holy shiatsu!" P.T. Anderson sets a tone at the beginning of this movie that lingers throughout its entirety. I'm pretty sure it could have been cut down a minute or two (I drank a large diet coke before it started and nature came-a-callin' ). That being said, most of the scenes were completely necessary for the story.

9) The Kite Runner - I admit it, I haven't read the book. Please don't chastise me for that confession! I have it on my 'must-read' list.....right below 'Anna Karenina' and 'I Am America (And So Can You!)'. Anyways, back to the movie, Marc Forster demonstrates, once again, why he's such a fine director. In every one of his films, he gets the greatest performances out of his actors. Oh, plus, I watched very closely, and Halle Berry doesn't once scream "make me feel gooood". Seriously. Not once

8) Sicko - After the initial shock wore off (I'm always immediately taken aback from seeing Michael Moore on the big screen), I suddenly became extremely intrigued by the documentary. Moore has a real talent for skewing people's thoughts and opinions through the magic of film and editing. For that, I applaud him. *Side note* I went to see this movie on the Fourth of July. Albeit, not the greatest movie to see on Independence Day, but as a result, the electricity went out and we didn't get to finish it. Uncle Sam was piiissed. (I did, however, watch it all later)

7) Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - After watching the revival on Broadway last summer, I was convinced that a movie-musical of this Sondheim masterpiece could not be made. Enter Tim Burton. Weary at first, I eventually surrendered to his genius. Good thing I did, because despite Helena Bonham Carter's "voice", the movie was a home-run. Well, in my heart at least. On a different note, is it me, or is there total room for a sequel? Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber's Back for Blood....again. No?...

6) Once - Walking into this indie, I had no idea what to expect. Actually, I knew it was a "modern day musical". But that, to me, could have been any number of things. Didn't they characterize Reefer Madness as a "modern day musical"? You could see where my expectations were. However, Once delivered a subtle, sincere story of a developing relationship. Not to mention the music!! Man-oh-man. Tell me, why can't it be possible to suddenly burst out into song? I'm serious. Real life sucks the big one.

5) The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - As we speak, I'm writing this by the blink of an eye....

Seriously, how did the guy write an entire book this way? I couldn't do it. His story is remarkable and so is this movie. I describe it as a painting on film. Art cinema.

4) Ratatouille - Who knew vermin could be so cute! This enchanting little film made me want to get a rat to call my own. Can you imagine, I can start my own rat colony kitchen staff and they could help me cook! Anyways, the movie was adorable and the animation was breathtaking. It astonishes me how detailed animated movies can be. Seriously, Brad Bird can make an animated film about a tape worm on a whimsical quest in a digestive tract, and it'd still be amazing. Wait. Don't tell him that idea. I may wanna use it.

3) No Country for Old Men - Is it wrong that I still found Javier Bardem incredibly attractive? Even as a homeopathic serial killer. I mean, do you judge me? Anyways, the movie was such an edge-on-your-seat thrill ride, I think I may have left the theatre seat a little wet (that didn't sound as dirty in my head). The Coen Brothers deserve all the praise they're getting this year. The movie will haunt you in your nightmares.....and Bardem in your dreams :)

2) Hairspray - I know what you're thinking. "Eli, why so obsessed with musicals this year?" Honestly, I can't answer that. They just made me smile. Even John 'Look-like-a-muppet/Sound-like-Dr.-Evil' Travolta. "You see me hobnobbing and drinking Rum and Cokes with all those hoi polloi?!" I'm sorry, but this movie had me dancing the stricken chicken in the aisles. I mean, Latifah. Pfeiffer. Walken. James Freakin' Marsden. Oh, please, let's just hope this hot movie-musical streak lasts.

1) Juno - If you know me even a little bit, you should know what my favorite film of the year was. I will concede for a moment and admit that I was immediately put off by the film. The dialogue was, at first, obnoxiously contrived and the plot started off slightly weak. However, once it started to find heart, it automatically stole mine. The movie, to me, had a completely different take on the whole 'right to choose' issue while maintaining a new, fresh comedic style. I have taken Diablo Cody as my new, heterosexual lover. Her script aside, I've read articles and watched junkets with this sassy minx, and she's without a doubt the coolest girl I've ever watched...and she doesn't even have to try, ya know?

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Pan's Parking Lot

Why do horrible parking situations always happen to me?! Have I been cursed by the parking garage gods, and will be eternally haunted? This past weekend, I made the mistake of driving separately to the Beverly Center mall. Running late, I hauled ass in order to meet my amigos at Chromebones (why we met there is of no importance) and completely forgot to check which floor I parked on. Keep in mind, this parking lot is the labyrinths of parking lots. I've actually heard horror stories of people going in and never coming out. Unfortunately, it wasn't until I left the dreaded mall when I realized I was an uber idiot (Please refrain from responding to this statement). At that point, I spent a good 45 minutes hiking through each floor, pressing the key alarm to a car I'm not too familiar with, and to top it all off my phone was dying. I was a prime candidate for a mugging. After my anxiety wore off (along with perfectly good shoe leather), I finally found my car! Needless to say, I headed home and never looked back.

Note to the wise, learn from my mental defectiveness.

Friday, January 4, 2008

The Sweet Smell of Success

This morning, I exchanged my old rental car for a brand spankin' new one. The thought of having to drive grandma Sue's wagon wheels for two more weeks was too much to bare. Besides, it cost my left nut to fill up ... (and the value for the twins has depreciated).

The new car, a better sized Hyundai Accent, seems better suited for me. Until, however, I opened the door and was hit by the foulest stench that has ever come from a vehicle. I'm not exaggerating. The inside of the car seriously smells like ass exploded. A mix between dog stank, a carton of Marlboros, and lumberjack BO. Okay, I haven't actually smelt a lumberjack's body odor, but I can't imagine it smelling like rose blossoms. In any case, I attempted to drown out the pungence by fumigating the car with Glade 'Cranberry Delight and Everlasting Pine' air freshner. However, instead of disinfecting the problem, it made matters much worse. As a result, I have to drive around in Jethro Bodine's rundown station wagon.

Don't light a match.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Signal InterFEARance

I have an Ipod connector that is transmitted through the radio and it allows me to listen to my tunnage in my rented Pontiac Grand Prix (sexy, I know. Big enough to fit you, the Mrs., and little Johnnie, Janie, and Judie.). Anyways, I get the biggest kick when it picks up other people's car signals on the highway. Just yesterday, amidst a cloud of Pat Benatar and The Format, I was interrupted several times by an array of drivers listening to all kinds of jammage. What's fun, though, is connecting the song to the person. Por ejemplo, a tiny, Asian lady driving a Mini Cooper listening to Stevie Nicks. Can you say AWESOMENESS? Or Hairy McMacho driving a gigazmo Semi Truck listening to the ever-talented Brad Paisley. That, ladies and gentleman, wasn't only hilarious, but appropriate. However, my favorite would definitely have to be Mr. Hottie McBody, college brah' jammin' out to High School Musical 2. Seriously dude? Stick to the status quo.