Wednesday, April 30, 2008

An Apology to Diablo

There's a point when reality and make-believe collide, and that point occurred at about 3:10pm today. Today, I regrettably posted a DiaBlog that outlined various inaccurate occurrences that were falsely revealed to me from a friend. Immediately, I figured since Diablo's a public figure, her business should be public as well. I was wrong.

This afternoon, various people (including Diablo herself) instant messaged me to set the record straight. While many people would be elated by Diablo's pop-up message, I was filled with yuppie guilt. (side note: I realize, this "messenger" could have been some concerned fan posing as Diablo Cody. However, enough people were concerned that an apology was definitely in order). I cannot apologize enough for succumbing to my own selfish (albeit, stupid) needs and revealing way too much. I should have known better. I understand Diablo's not an actual "friend" (I'm just another face in the myspace-friend crowd. I don't fool myself otherwise). However, she is a human friggin' being and shouldn't have to be subjected to any unnecessary and unsubstantial gossip (from her alleged "fan", no less). So, I'm really really sorry Diablo.

That being said, I'm completely surprised Perez Hilton sleeps at night. I felt like shit afterwards, and I could never do this kind of "journalism" for a living. I've totally learned my lesson.

P.S. If it's any consolation, as I drove home from work this evening, a trucker hocked a loogie and spat on my windshield. If this isn't an open and closed case of karmic retribution, I don't know what is.

My apologies.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Always a bridesmaid...

So I'm rummaging through one of my fave celeb-gossip sites, and I stumble upon this. My husband (T.R. Knight) walking his bitch. And their dog too.

I'm très upset. This picture makes me want to stick my finger down my throat and purge the Chorizo remnants into my hamper.

Friday, April 18, 2008

A Whole Lot of Nakey

Let's be honest, the buzz surrounding Forgetting Sarah Marshall has nothing to do with the supposedly hilarious script, the creative advertising, not even Judd Apatow. Really, people high and low are flocking towards theatres to catch a glimpse of Jason Segal's who-haw. His willy nilly. His gadunkajunk. Apparently nudity in film is the new black (vagina is SO last year). In reality, the theatre screen will only make it appear THAT much bigger... Let's just hope the room's not too cold.

The question remains, what do we think of Segal himself? Do we want to bake him in the oven, stick him on some skewers, and serve him with cooked peppers, tomatoes, and onions? Or do we merely just want to snatch him from a drive-thru and smear him with Heinz ketchup?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

My Tranny Top Ten

All this coverage on this pregnant man hasn't only intrigued America, but it has really sparked controversy and awareness on the idea of gender association. Whereas I think it's perfectly acceptable (who hasn't dressed in drag and performed 'The Cell Block Tango' at a charity event? ...No? So just me?), many people question if this "confusion" is appropriate for the mass media. Oh please, as if your son isn't in the other room trying on jewelry as we speak. Anyways, I'm here to make a rebuttal. The idea of gender has always been the subject of very popular movies. Therefore, I wanted to create a Top Ten List of my personal favorite gendertastic performances. - Transvestites, transsexuals, and cross dressers, oh my!

10) TransAmerica (Bree) - How could I make a list of amazing gender-bending performances and not include Felicity Huffman's honest and genuine performance as Bree. Not only did the physical transformation garner the Desperate Housewife an Oscar Nomination, but it also created awareness of gender identity and acceptance. That being said, who remembers that mesmerizing scene when Bree takes a leak and her son mistakenly observes more than anticipated in the rear view mirror...?

9) Mrs. Doubtfire (Mrs. Euphegenia Doubfire) - "It was a drive by fruiting". Arguably one of the funniest classics of my generation. Ordinarily, I wouldn't categorize Mrs. Doubtfire as a classic, however since this movie was released during the hay-day of my childhood, it deserves that title. It was the first time I was exposed to a man-turned-woman in a film. While he didn't necessarily win in the end, he definitely proved that gender is merely an illusion that can essentially be altered and distorted. Not to mention, Robin Williams proved once again that he can conquer any and all roles...including ones with a vagina.

8) Psycho (Norman Bates) - Okay, so this example doesn't really give the lightest or friendliest representation of cross dressing. However, it's difficult to deny that it's definitely one of the most memorable. Show of hands... who feared taking a shower after watching this film? Okay, good amount. Now another show of hands... who dressed up as their mother and sat in a rocking chair every evening thereafter? ...No? So just me?

7) The Birdcage (Albert Goldman) - I have a threat to make: Diane Sawyer, you better watch your back 'cause I'm coming after your husband! Okay, that sounds more freaky than intended. But I'm completely in love with Mike Nichol's talents. Not only did he create one of the best gay comedies ever, he helped create a character (played Nathan Lane) that moved beyond gender "normality" and forward into a more socially acceptable way of creating movies.

6) Hedwig and the Angry Inch (Hedwig) - Um, just look at the picture and you'll know why she made the list. John Cameron Mitchell created a sincere rock-diva who possessed the confidence and sense of self that made the movie so great. That being said, is it rude to admit that every time I see the movie, I think I'm watching Courtney Love on screen? I'm sorry, but CL has the demeanor and physical appearance of a tran-tran. Yet, she doesn't possess the charisma, heart, and beyotchness that Hedwig does (well, maybe the beyotchness). But then again, who does?
5) Boys Don't Cry (Brandon Teena) - Need I say more? Hillz Swank, better known as Kimberly Hannah from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, totally conquered this role. There's a reason why she garnered her first Best Actress Oscar. Any girl who can convincingly shove a sock down her pants and stand her ground deserves all the praise she can get. In all reality though, the story of Brandon Teena is truly heartbreaking and I'm sincerely glad that the Swank can pay homage to him.
4) Tootsie (Dorothy Michaels) - I can't tell if Dustin Hoffman looks more like my Aunt Maggie in this picture or Stockard Channing (circa '78). Either way, I can tell you that Hoffman hits it out of the park with this performance. However, like Mrs. Doubtfire, this film focuses on a man's sheer desperation that eventually pushes him to do drag. If anything, Dorothy is merely going "undercover" to further his acting career. In the process, a feeling of self-discovery emerges. (Tranny, fierce, you better work!)

3) Hairspray (Edna Turnblad) - I know what you're thinking: "Eli, I thought last year's movie-musical was one of your favorite films of 2007. Why didn't you choose Travolta?") The reason I chose Divine's performance was because she created that role. She's the Drag QUEEN of John Water's films and she completely stands out in each of them. Besides, Travolta was a little too Muppet for my taste.

2) The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Dr. Frank-N-Furter) - "I'm just a sweet transvestite, from Transsexual Transylvania". Tim Curry probably didn't realize he would create such an iconic tranny figure. Instead, he probably thought, "just another day in my leather corset and 5 inch stilettos". Oh, how wrong he was. Midnight performances of this film are filled with Frank-N-Furter wannabes shouting, " How do you do? I see you've met my faithful handyman." By far, one of the most memorable Transsexual performances ever. Okay, one of the few Transsexual performances ever. But still...

1) Some Like It Hot (Josephine and Daphne) - In my personal opinion, this is one of the best comedies ever written, but that is very much debatable. What isn't debatable is that this prolific film paved the way for all gender-bending films. Not only was Some Like It Hot way ahead of its time, but Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon give well-acted and hilarious performances well beyond their years. And let's be honest, if two dudes dressed like divas can hold their own against actress/porn star Marilyn Monroe, then the film has to be great.

All in all, I'm extremely thankful that socially accepting films like these have been made, and are continuing being made in this industry. In time, perhaps our nation will follow suit.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

My Betrothed...

Of course he doesn't know it yet, but Cameron Johnson from Oprah's Big Give and I are getting married. A lot of my friends always ask what my type is and I never can answer that question because I didn't think I had one. I stand corrected. Cameron (seems like he) possesses the charisma, intelligence, ambition, and looks to become partners with (And I ain't talkin' business). I know what you're thinking, "Eli, you obsessive, guy-crazed stalker. Are you a 14-year-old girl? Why not meet guys in the bathroom stalls of gay clubs like normal homos?" I'm sorry, the heart wants what it wants. Give me time. We'll be married in 5 years top.

P.S. He makes me want to brown him in a pan and stuff him in a taco shell with cheese, lettuce, and extra sour cream. (Which incidentally was my dinner tonight).
Retraction: If you saw last Sunday's Big Give, you caught a glimpse of Cameron's "girlfriend". I refuse to believe it though.

Friday, April 4, 2008

New Gal on the Block

Every so often, a female singer comes along and suddenly catches my heart. Terra Naomi hasn't arrived there just yet, but we're merely at the second date stage (dinner and a movie). I have a feeling things will progress, but right now we're taking it slow. We haven't even slept with each other yet!

I wouldn't want to rush things... I did that with Feist, and we're not talking right now.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Sex and the Valley

Last night, in the midst of my peaceful slumber, I was awaken by a faint moaning coming from the apartment building immediately adjacent to my house. A scream that echoed through my backyard, eerily increasing in volume. Naturally, I thought someone was being murdered or brutally tortured. Instead, it was quite the opposite. Apparently a very erotic couple neglected to shut their window, because this duo was loudly (and quite effectively) getting their sex on.

At first, I thought it pertinent to shout "quiet down bitches I'm trying to sleep!". However, a very giving feeling washed over my annoyed (albeit, slightly jealous) self. I decided to live and let live, and allow them to be as loud as they want. That's what makes me so nice.

In honor of my sex neighbors, I'd like to leave you with this amazing song, appropriate for this exact situation. Enjoy!