Blast from the Past: Part 3

When you're young, teetering on the edge of adolescence, the world is a glorious candy store.  It seems like every Kids-R-Us you go to, every ice-cream parlor you visit, opportunity opens its door and you settle for nothing less but the best (well, in my mind at least).  For me, it was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure – a challenging toy to attain might I add. Nothing in the world seemed more important.  However, once I finally received the complete set of all four mutant turtles (and Splinter of course), I was left unsatisfied.  Is affection much different?  When it comes to relationships, when is it acceptable to accept that certain someone and feel satisfied?  Are we willing to settle?  Or, rather, are we always left wanting more?

Think about it, we live in an age where everything is available but not all of it is attainable.  No matter how much you want that golden goose, it is almost impossible to get it from Mr. Wonka.  However, in many of my friend’s cases, their primary goal isn’t the tasty chocolate, but, rather, Wonka's Willy….. don’t make me spell it out for you.  Seriously, how do you know if a certain person is the ‘best’ possible person out there?

In my case, flirting is a talent I inconveniently lack.  It seems almost impossible to talk to a guy I like…I suddenly become tongue tied.  On the other hand, the people I’m naturally friendly to, the ones I only want to develop a friendship with, get the wrong idea and want to establish a relationship.  It’s a vicious cycle out there; friends, relationships, fucking feelings.  But wait, it doesn’t stop there.  When I suddenly get the nerve to go on a date with someone I sincerely have feelings for, I have to subject myself to awkward, uncomfortable conversation. You know how those begin…. . “Wow, business. That’s an interesting major....”  Is it worth it?  Or do we have to force ourselves to be threatened when we're dating?  A grueling process I like to call Intimi-dating.

As we reach adulthood, when relationships become an important element in our lives, it only seems to get more difficult.  Life was so much easier when the only settlement we had to come to terms with was a simple toy.  I guess all we can do now, as we turn our backs to our childhood, is embrace the moment, regret nothing, and appreciate the fact that we received the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures in the first place.

A Night of Debauchery

It's my personal belief that the greatest artists in the world create their masterpieces while shamelessly intoxicated. Da Vinci, David Lynch, The Beatles, Pollock.... all of them were definitely on something. Therefore, I thought it was finally time for me to bust out my artistic guns and go out shooting. Last weekend I went roaming the streets of West Hollywood (My camera in one hand. Tequila in the other.) and snapped quite stunning and influential photographs of my friends/models. I know what you're thinking... "Where did Eli get such an eye for amazing photography?? And while hammered no less?". Well, my friends, it just comes naturally I guess.

Alright, no more stalling. Without further ado... I present my art exhibition entitled:

A Night Of Debauchery.
A Story in Four Photographs

TITLE: The Token Female

SUMMARY: When life gets you down, go to a gay bar. When the gay bar gets you even more down, DRINK SOME MORE! Just don't forget your favorite gal pal to keep you company. P.S. She'll make a good beard too...

TITLE: The Homo Frame

SUMMARY: While inebriated, and walking carelessly in the streets, make sure you create a human frame. It's also Emmy's "what's up, sexy?" pose. She's the female Zoolander and just as ridiculously good-looooking.

TITLE: The Belly Laugh

SUMMARY: Honestly... they're just laughing because the other person was laughing. P.S. Lorenzo really isn't that funny. Well... personality-wise.

TITLE: Just Jamison

SUMMARY: Jamison created his signature "caught in the headlights" pose. Coincidentally, he was actually staring into oncoming headlights...... and that's how he died.

THE END

Let California Ring

Before I get down and dirty, let me just preface this entry by advocating how much respect I have for this ad campaign. I'm a major supporter of gay marriage (obviously), and what I'm about to say means no disrespect for the purpose of the commercial. With that in mind, I have to ask... what the hell's up with the Let California Ring commercial?

First and foremost, it doesn't reveal hardly anything about gay marriage - which, undoubtedly, would confuse an objective onlooker. Second of all, it's a bit more humorous (to me, at least) than probably intended.

Here, see for yourself. Then I'm gonna break it down in good ole' Eli-fashioned commentary...




Timeline:
00:00 - The promo begins on a beautiful, slightly orange, Fall afternoon. The bride peers over her shoulder in complete happiness as the rambunctious flower girl prances around the bedroom. (The perfect day, right...?)

00:11 - ...Think again. As dad opens the door to walk the blushing bride down the aisle, the handle suddenly breaks! (He barely even turned it. Does he have superhero strength? And who the hell installed these door handles? I'm glad dad was able to pry open the outer frame with his Iron Man fingertips.)

00:19 - Suddenly, a slew of cars block the path to the altar. (Alright, who was on parking duty??! Damn it Uncle Jeffrey, you had one job to do!)

00:24 - After hiking up her skirt as if she were an extra from Moulin Rouge, she steps on the aluminum cans hooked onto her 'bride and groom' getaway car. (Wait. Who actually puts aluminum cans on the back of the cars anymore? It's not very environmentally friendly...)

00:27 - She broke her heel! Now she has to limp all the way down the damn aisle like Carrie Strug. (Girl, for crying out loud, take off your other shoe!)

00:35 - The tree vindictively snatches her veil from her head - as if the notion of ducking and sliding were impossible.

00:41 - That rambunctious flower girl strikes again! (Where is this girl's mother??? Please, someone get her some Ritalin stat!)

00:47 - Perhaps my favorite part of the entire commercial - grandma pulls a Tonya Harding and whacks the bride in the knee with her cane. (Let's be honest, bitch tripped her granddaughter on purpose. The motivation behind the attack remains under investigation.)

00:50 - Then, her fiance attempts to chase to her side, but is ultimately held back by the bridal party. (If that's not the rudest best man I've ever seen. "Your bride-to-be just ate shit, but you're not allowed to help her!" P.S. I'm pretty sure the Priest held him back too... so rude.)

Then, the commercial concludes with her sitting there in utter dismay. Although I think the commercial is hilarious, don't discount the message behind it. Gays and lesbians all over the United States are prevented from marriage which is completely ridiculous. Fortunately, California is currently legal. But for how long? Vote against Proposition 8!

After all, someday even I would like my grandmother to trip me with her cane...

Are you freakin' kidding me?

Is he trying to give me a stroke? Cause me to go into a coma? Turn me prematurely gray? Put me into early menopause??? Jake Gyllenhaal, what are you doing to me? Since when have you become the sun all of us revolve around? Did you notice I write nothing but questions in the post?

How is he so gorgeous???????

I have nothing else to say.

P.S. It's from his new movie, Prince of Persia. All hail Jake and his Gyllenhaal.

A Television Dry Spell

All I have to say is thank God for the Olympic games, because summer television is a big flamin' pile of bore! Normally, my TiVo would be crammed with Grey's Anatomy, Lost, Ugly Betty, hell even Oprah. Instead, I've succumbed to watching reruns of Tila Tequila (just kidding, I'd sooner scratch my eyes out, than subject myself to such torture).

However, I have encountered a show that's given me the TV fix to please my Prime Time addiction. So You Think You Can Dance's finale is tonight, and after watching all season, I can honestly say that I've never been so intrigued by the art of dance!

Therefore, I felt it necessary to list my personal top 5 dance numbers in Film. Yes, top 5. Quite the feat for a movie-musical junkie like myself. Without further ado...

5) Cell Block Tango - Chicago: Pop. Six. Squish. Ah ah. Cicero. LipShitz. Let's face it. Rob Marshall is the modern-day Bob Fosse. Granted, he didn't use any Fosse "techniques" in this movie-musical, but he made up for that with his unique vision. Hell, this dance sequence actually made me go spread eagle! I still don't understand how Roman Polanski beat Marshall for Best Director. Rob had that Oscar comin'... Personally, I think Polanski should be charged for another count of rape.

4) Singin' In The Rain - Singin' In The Rain: You really think I could make a 'top 5' about dance numbers, and exclude Gene Kelly. Girl, please. This is probably one of the most memorable and distinct moments in movie-musical history. When I was little, I used to put on my rain boots, head into the storm, and dance around the puddles singing this tune. (How embarrassing. I wonder what the neighbors thought....) Anyways, I just watched this movie again and I love it. What a wonderful feeling, I'm happy again!

3) El Tango de Roxanne - Moulin Rouge: Baz Luhrmann. Baz Luhrmann. Baz Luhrmann. Need I say more? The guy's a genius and has the vision of a Greek musical-theatre-loving god. This is, without a doubt, one of the most gut-wrenching sequences of the entire movie. Is it the song? Is it Nini Legs-in-the-Air's flawless performance? Is it Ewan McGregor's gorgeous voice? I'm gonna have to say 'D' (all of the above). Did I mention Baz Luhrmann?

2) Gym Scene - West Side Story: Mambo! One of the best stage-to-screen transfers in history if I do say so myself. The cast was superb (Why hello Rita Moreno). The direction was magnificent. The music... well, duh. It's no wonder why this film won Best Picture. Though, I couldn't decide between this scene and the prologue, so I flipped a coin... Anywho, I'm stoked WSS is making it's way back to Broadway (welcome home!). I think it'll transfer just fine. And if not, we'll always have the movie. Mambo!

1) The Aloof/The Heavyweight/The Big Finish - Sweet Charity: If I were a betting woman in Vegas, I'd lay down 6-1 that Bob Fosse would be voted #1 of the 'best movie-musical directors' of all time. Granted, he only has a few films under his sequins dance belt. However, they're remarkable films (i.e. Cabaret, Liza with a Z, All That Jazz!). Therefore, this scene is my favorite (see below) and with Fosse's amazing choreography, I'd consider it historical.

Yes, I know I've left off countless of other dance sequences (Everything from Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Flashdance, hell, I even put baby in her corner) But I only had 5 spots to fill! I guarantee you, this list could probably go on for days.... All the while dancing, of course.

Happy Birthday to ME

Another year older.  Another gorgeous man to celebrate my 24th festivities with.  It's been a year since moving to Los Angeles and it's only just begun.  I know he's historic, but doesn't the young Gregory Peck make you crave red velvet birthday cake with vanilla ice cream on the side?  It sure does for me.

Somebody grab me a fork!